Yes. Take a look at it.

El Arca is a film based on the biblical tale of Noah's Ark. It features the realization that humanity sucks, the calling of Noah, the building of the ark, the flood, and even the talking animals!

... wait what?

From what I could understand, this obscure little gem has a cult following on youtube involving a certain group making fancharacters and fan cartoons, complete with voice acting. It's actually pretty fascinating that people did this, and the footage used is what got me interested. In fact, the movie doesn't even get good until we start getting to the anthropomorphic critters on the ark.

Unfortunately, the movie proves gracefully that America isn't the only one capable of incredibly silly representations on characters, and since I've only seen the English version, I'm going to go with that specific interpretation.



First off, Noah is Santa. He's your stereotypical "never do bad" type of guy that always spouts on and on about God. He also has three sons.

They are Prince Naveen.


Pacha with a beard.



And a somewhat older Huey from The Boondocks.


Yeah, I don't know why Noah has a random black guy for a kid, but we can probably assume his wife is to blame. That, or immaculate conception, given the God.

We don't really know much about them. Just know that their wives are some of the most annoying ladies on the planet. There's a southern hillbilly, a chick from the Jersey Shore, and a Victorian era Englishwoman who suspiciously resembles Princess Aurora.

Oh, btw. This is God. He wears a toga.



Our main animal characters are Kovu-- I mean, Prince Zero.



He isn't the brightest crayon in the box, and adeptly shows off his stupidity by constantly goofing off and having sex with other catpeople.

This pisses off Kairel.



Kairel is a big-hipped lioness whom is easily and effortlessly the best character in the movie, and makes honest attempts to teach her (unwilling) mate Zero about being a king and the responsibility his idiocy is shirking.



Whereas Kairel is big-hipped, her opposite Panthy (often mipronounced Panty in the movie) is extremely busty. She is the seductive temptress that tries to lure Zero off the path of kingship. She succeeds 99.9999% of the time.



The main villain, though, is Dagnino. He is a generic villain with generic motives: TO TAKE OVER THE THRONE.

He has several mateless henchmen, which is funny because the ark is only supposed to have two of every animal, meaning we're essentially missing the females for vultures, wolves, bears, and tigers. And then Panthy has no male, but I guess we can assume she's getting it on with Dag.



There's also this guy. We don't know who or what he is, but he and his wife were apparently important enough to survive the entire movie.






We begin the movie with a pretty crazy 1 minute intro in which the audience is left in a perpetual jaw-dropped state, yelling "what the FUCK" at the screen. The viewer is subjected to a series of clumsily executed slap-slick comedy in which a baboon, a snake, a peacock, a porcupine, and a pineapple pull off crazy-angry feats of rage, and then what looks like some kind of amazonian tribesman appears and all of them are then captured by a modern day hunter.

Apparently we go back in time, though, because in the very next scene the hunter is gone, effectively resulting in a big-lipped alligator moment barely two minutes into the movie. Not a good sign.

As we move through the marketplace we eventually come to Noah and his three sons hauling a cart of goods to the market to sell. His sons complain about how poor they are and offer to cut down the forest near the house for money, but are berated passively by Noah.

After spending a bit of time in the market, God and his sidekick Angel are walking around town, judging and condemning people in broad daylight, surprisingly within both eyeshot and earshot of all those present. God decides to send a flood, and after we're introduced to the asshole main characters, we cut back to Noah's house where his sons and daughters-in-law complain about their life.

Now, I have to say, the hillbilly chick and the English lady don't particularly bother me, but when the Jersey chick opens her mouth I feel like going on a killing spree in a kitten store.

After that suicide-inducing exchange in which the sons and their wives plot to beg Noah out of the picture to they can live lives of sin in peace (you'd think the children of Noah would be moral, right?), Noah stumbles into God's divine spotlight and is told that the flood will be coming, and that he needs to build an ark and get a male and female of every animal.

This movie shows us that Noah has gone to sell the house in exchange for a flock of doves to send his message out to the animals.

This children are not pleased, and yell and scold him for making them homeless, and generally being all-around overly-skeptical about their god-loving father's encounter with the deity.

We're then subjected to a few minutes of unfunny comedy. God and Angel discuss the creation of the bible, revealing that it was written NOT by the chosen mouths of God, but by Angel himself, and it was made to compete with the books of Buddhism and the Tao Te Ching of China. You know, despite Christianity theoretically having existed longer than either of those.

A minute later, the doves her released go to a bird-stripper-bar thing, where there's a pigeon stripper. They partake of a couple of disgusting and crude scenes where the pigeons have a farting contest, and the only sensible one of the group flies off to do Noah's bidding alone.

He fails miserably, managing to only drop half the message to the one person ts actually matters the most to: the Prince. His gay orangutan friend ignores the message to give Zero a sensual massage. It's never made clear what his relationship with Zero is or if he's actually just an annoying gay stereotype, but later when we start piling into the ark it's revealed he has a girlfriend.(???)

When the king and queen get a full message and understand the peril their world faces, they entrust Prince Zero with the task of leading the animals into the new world, despite him having only read bits and pieces and completely misconstruing the message, thinking it's a cruise instead of a world-changing experience.

The queen assigns Kairel the task of selecting a mate for Zero, and she is obviously displeased, though I have no why because Zero is kind of a douchebag. When she rejects all of his girlfriends as appropriate mates, Zero is upset and selects one himself. This is basically spitting in Kairel's face, as he selects the one with whom Kairel seems to have a rivalry with: the kinky kitty Bruma. (Not be be confused with the snowy city in Oblivion.)

As the animals congregate in the meeting halls, the King understandably displays considerable doubt at Zero's ability to take the throne. He seems to be the only one fully aware of Zero's current incapability, which is further cemented by the next scene in which he packs curlers, perfumes, and all manner of materialistic items while being egged on by the ambiguous Bombay.

The animals quickly have a meeting to determine the fate of the world, and are yelled at by mythical creatures for trusting the word of men. They are Unicorn, Dragon, and Sasquatch. A crocodile makes a pretty poor joke that is apparently very funny to animals, referring to Unicorn's horn as a party hat. Unicorn is saddened by this, and turns to Sasquatch for comfort. Just as the King tries to comfort Unicorn and claim the trip is a choice, the thunder and rain start and a parrot freaks the fuck out, causing the animals and fly into a panic and pile out of the cave into the ark.

I also want to mention that when Dag appears during the meeting, there is a female tiger standing to his right. I'm assuming this is his mate but, like the mindfuck of an intro, she is is introduced once and is never seen again.

The animals then start on their journey, throughout which Zero and Bruma very loudly get it on, apparently to the scent of a powerful aphrodisiac incense that seems to be perpetually burning in their carriage. Kairel escorts him as a type of deus ex machina - after all, the main love interest has to get on the ark somehow!

The animals stop a mile from the ark to quarrel amongst themselves in a classic herbivore vs . predator fashion, which Zero makes no effort to solve himself and instead defects it to the cunning Dagnino, who uses the opportunity to gain the animals' trusts with a speech about equality. Puzzled by the animals, Noah makes his way over to the animals to convince them to board the ark, while Prince Naveen (remember, he's Noah's son!) loudly decides to join him, possibly with the intention of being convinced not to. His wife - the Aurora clone - doesn't so much as beg but latch onto him aggressively, begging him to protect her from 'those beasts.'

Noah lifts his arms to the sky to beg the mighty Lord for a torrent of raindrops to convince the animals it's time to board the massive ark. For being the Alpha and Omega and All that Is, Was, and Forever Shall Be, he sure isn't too keen on seeing his grand scheme through, and grudgingly sends the flood even though he WARNED Noah in the first place that he had planned to.

Drops fall, and again, the animals panic and start racing onto the ark, each one fighting to get the best room. Zero is especially eager, and when she is sure that Kairel will be dying, Bruma decides to take the opportunity to spend the entire walk up the platforms insulting Kairel and telling her everything she hates about her. (Basically, "I hate you're smarter than me and I hate that you're useful and you have horrible, ugly hips. Lose some weight!")

Kairel slowly loses her temper, and several animals nearby are growing upset that Bruma won't leave her alone. A sheep, preparing to attack the lioness, accidentally steps on a skunk and is pissed upon, triggering another series of poor slap-stick that leads to a hippo landing on top of Bruma. Luckily, she cushions his fall enough t allow him to NOT fall through the wooden boards... just her.

"Well, there goes the loving and tender mother of my future children..." Zero laments regretfully as he stares down into the raging flood waters below, moments before sprinting off to the ark like a frat boy being promised sex. Kairel stays behind to gaze about in horror at the building sea around them, conflicted over the choice of whether she should join Zero on the ark, or dive to her death as instructed. In a gesture of short-lived sympathy, Zero invites her to join him on the ark, informing her that if they don't hurry they might lose the best room.

We then cut to our favorite midget orc and his lovely wife Madame Medusa as they wallow happily in Noah's house after supposedly conning it from him. They finally realize that Noah /wasn't/ talking shit, and that the house is flooding. They both pile into a barrel and chase the ark as it begins to float in the world's fastest flooding holy land. Also there's a giant tsunami and they invent ark-surfing.

Honestly, this is when the movie goes from "utter shit" to "somewhat decent." I find that the most entertaining parts of the movie are when the humans are not involved. Mostly because of the Snooki-wife.

With everyone inside the ark, they split off into several stampedes to lay claim to the best rooms they can. A fuzzy elk proclaims to his lover, "Honey, look! We have a view of the ocean!" No shit, Sherlock. The poor elephants have crowded into a room much too small for them, chipmunks are in a room much to large, and interspecies relations are running rampant, as exemplified by a suggestive exchange of smirks and winks between a doe and a donkey.

Zero lays claim to the largest of them all, and proclaims loudly as Kairel follows that it is all his. Kairel irritably corrects him, saying it is both of theirs for obvious reasons. Zero doesn't like this, and even after losing the "sweet and tender" Bruma insists that it will not work between him and Kairel because of her large, child-bearing hips. You'd think a male as eager to multiply as he is would be all over those hips, right?

He covers that up with insisting he needs to appear in the right company... which makes the situation worse, and he gets his first dose of Kairel's special nagging-teaching, all while he goes on about how he might need to change his hygiene products to fix the problem.

The orc looks into his room through the window and scares the motherloving bajeebus out of Zero, and makes him have a short mid-life crisis while panicking about the onset of wrinkles. Sympathetic to Zero's condition and rationalizing it as a lack of good teaching from his parents, Kairel offers to help Zero understand his current problems, but the lion backs out and goes to "check out the ark."

And by "check out the ark" he means "go sign a decree that says the lower decks are the strip club."

We now see that Zero has no actual qualms about keeping up appearances, as he is now hanging out with herbivores in a bar, drinking God-Knows-What while watching our resident slut Panthy (again, mispronounced Panty) sing a terrible cover of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," complete with rewritten lyrics. The horrible editing for this particular sequence lead me to believe Zero jizzed himself during the song.

When the song is over, it is revealed that Panthy is in cahoots with Dagnino and his band of murderous scumbags, the latter of whom question why they can't simply kill and devour all the animals. The sequence is basically a load of boring exposition to confirm (if the audience hasn't picked up on it by then) that Dag is actually the villain and plans to kill Zero and enslave the animals, while a rather freaky sequence plays to emphasize his explanations.

"Are you tired of running after you food?" He asked. In the new world order, all herbivores will be led away to be force-fed and fattened until the time comes to drop them into cauldrons and boil them alive. I can honestly say that I had no idea what to feel when I watched it for the first time.

When we cut back to Zero and his friends, the movie unveils the shocking fact that even though Zero is a fucktard, he has a good set of morals and ideals, like "don't quit until you succeed" and a true desire of animal equality. However, this is also focused in the wrong direction, as he and his buddies only use this philosophy to practice catching free-flying grapes.

The next step of Dagnino's cunning plan is to get Zero and Panthy to hook up by getting him drunk enough to bang her. Zero's morality keeps him away just long enough to claim that his friends are fundamental life supporters, but is quickly convinced otherwise by Panthy rubbing her tits into his chest.

Meanwhile, Kairel wakes up to an empty bed...

MEANWHILE, the orc and Madame Medusa appear again. Why they are still in the movie, I don't know. If they're comic relief, they're pretty shitty comics. Orc is understandably apprehensive about this trip, seeing as 6-foot humanoid bipedal lions are pretty fucking scary, but Medusa calls him a fool and says, "Animals don't sail in boats!" Karma bites back in the form of 9001 snakes.

Kairel eventually finds out about the bar, and throws a fit about how Zero is throwing around his power to please his friends. After yelling at him, she understands he completely misunderstood the purpose of the trip, and finally gives him a completed version of Noah's note. Intelligence, finally, hits him, and he realizes the end of the world happened and he needs to be prepared to face it.

Medusa, in another storyline, is fixing up some costumes for her and her husband to wear while they try to survive among the other animals.

Meanwhile, Bombay and Zero have a heart-to-heart talk about his feelings and his priorities, and he discovers he is actually in love with Kairel, whom he has known all his life!! Big shock, huh?


-- To be continued?!?!? --